I can’t cope.

I was out running this morning listening to the NY Times podcast “The Daily”. It featured some excerpts of Princess Diana’s 1995 BBC interview.

 When talking about her mental health issues, her eating disorders and her self harming behaviours she said: “I was ashamed because I couldn't cope with the pressures”.

 I just thought, wow, that could be something said by so many women I know. The pressures they face are probably not those of being married to the philandering heir to the British throne and being the most famous woman on the planet. But like Diana, so many of us expect ourselves to be able to cope with impossible situations.

 I was ashamed because I couldn’t cope with the pressures…fill in the blank. 

 I was ashamed because I couldn’t cope with the pressures of taking care of my children and my ailing parents at the same time. I was ashamed because I couldn’t cope with the pressures of my husband’s chronic illness. I was ashamed because I could not cope with the pressure of taking care of an infant. I was ashamed because I couldn’t cope with the pressures of my son’s mental health struggles. I was ashamed because I couldn’t cope with the pressure of being bullied at work. I was ashamed because I couldn’t cope with the pressure of my business failing. I was ashamed because I couldn’t cope with being separated from loved one’s during lockdown. I was ashamed because I couldn't cope with home-schooling my children while working full time during a pandemic. I was ashamed because I couldn't cope with my marriage breaking down.  I was ashamed because I could not cope with the pressures of my fertility journey. I was ashamed because I couldn't cope with my mother's death.

 Feeling shame comes from the belief that we are somehow defective for experiencing overwhelm and struggle. The truth is, we are not always built, equipped or resourced to be able to cope with all that life throws our way. 

Many self development tools perpetuate the lie of our culture that we should be able to cope with everything all by ourselves if we only dig deep enough.

 It made me think that the paradox of those three words is that in the moment you say them, you ARE coping. Being able to say that out loud is a part of what coping looks like.

 And even when we don’t, we do cope. We cope with eating disorders, with anxiety and depression. We cope by thinking a little too much all day about that first glass of wine before dinner. We cope with back aches and insomnia and intrusive thoughts.

The problem with all those strategies is that they hurt us more and they cause us to feel more ashamed. And shame is not necessary, because they are all ways of coping. 

 How much easier it would be if we were all lucky enough to have someone who will really hear us, who will look us in the eye with the kind of acceptance that dissolves shame, who will hold our hand when we say, “I can’t cope”. And they say: “Yes, I would not be able to cope with that either”. 

 In that moment, we magically become someone who is on the path of coping.

So much of the pain lies in the expectation that we should be able to cope, that somehow there is something wrong with us, and only us. When we drop the expectations and live in the reality of how we feel we stop treading water and start to feel the ground of truth beneath our feet.

If we can be heard and accepted as we are both by ourselves but also by other humans our pain becomes more bearable. If we can say how we feel in the presence of someone who cares and understands, shame evaporates. In that moment of facing reality in the presence of love we open ourselves up to comfort and inner resources that can carry us forward. We cope.